Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Randomize
