Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Duck Duck Cougar?
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
