I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
