I wanna bring you to show and tell
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
