I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
