I only kidnapped one of them. chill
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
