You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
