The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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