Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
