My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
