i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
