I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
