You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
