I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
