I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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