Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
