i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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