Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
