if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
My ass is underappreciated
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He shit in the fireplace
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