The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
