oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
