my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
