He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
