Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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