I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
We need to get me chipped asap
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