I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
