I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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