The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
