I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
