That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Randomize
