i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
