I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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