Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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