dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
