I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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