she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
