Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
