Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
