I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
wow bdsm is so cute
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
