Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
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