i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
