I look better un-naked...
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I love you. Go after that dick
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize