it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
