My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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