I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
