I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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