So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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