life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
