I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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