I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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