What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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