i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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