paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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