The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
