Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
