The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
