Swine flu is the new snow day.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
