I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
