Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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