I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
