fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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