Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
