she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
