so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
