So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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