I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
