areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
