Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
