There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Randomize
