im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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